The Phantom of Radio City Mutant Hall
by Seraya7
Summary: A parody of a certain musical... I swear, I wrote this before The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings. But you can believe whatever you want, I'm sure. Also, please note that fans of Discworld books may get added enjoyment out of the ending. Thank you.


The Phantom of Radio City Mutant Hall

FRY: Well, it's another rainy day with no deliveries. Can we play with the What-If machine?

PROFESSOR: No!

FRY: Why not?

PROFESSOR: Because I said so! (turns to Leela) If you're bored, you can all try the What-If machine if you want.

LEELA: Well, that is kind of entertaining, but I can't think of anything to ask. I mean, I already asked about my home…

AMY: Oh, come on! You've never had any fantasies that didn't involve your parents?

LEELA: Nope.

FRY: You mean you never wanted to be a movie star or an opera singer or anything?

LEELA: I told you, no!

FRY: Then I'll ask something for you.

LEELA: (hurriedly) No, don't! I'll just ask—what if I was the best singer in the universe?

FRY: (at the same time) What if I was cool enough for Leela to fall in love with me?

LEELA: Fry!

PROFESSOR: You fools! You can't ask two questions at once!

FRY: Why not? What happens?

PROFESSOR: I don't know. Let's find out!

Everyone crowds around the screen and watches the story unfold…

Radio City Mutant Hall… no, not the popular one, the other one

There is a rehearsal going on for some sort of space opera, with Amy playing the lead female role. She's not bad, but not great either. Leela is one of the chorus girls in the background…yes, it's going to be _this_ parody. Anyway, the former owners, Leo and Inez Wong, are showing the new owners around—Hermes and Zoidberg.

LEO: We like popularity, but it not worth effort. We want to put all our focus back on buggalo.

INEZ: It good you new guys too stupid to notice catch.

ZOIDBERG: What, there's a catch?

HERMES: I told you to read the contract before you signed it, you idiot lobster! (hits Zoidberg over the head)

ZOIDBERG: Oww! Please, don't hit me, friend!

INEZ: Oh, don't worry. It not bad catch. Just you have to keep our daughter in all the lead roles.

LEO: She very popular here. She get husband any day now!

HERMES: (suspicious) Wait a minute, that's no catch! That was part of the deal! You wouldn't stop talking about it! What's the real catch?

LEO: Nothing, nothing! (quickly) Just small flood in basement and pathetic scary ghost man from when theater was cryogenics lab! But it too late for you now, you paid already! Ha, ha!

INEZ: Suckers!

They leave hurriedly.

HERMES: Hmm. Did you hear that about a ghost?

ZOIDBERG: I don't know, but look! (points at the stage) There's a play or something going on!

HERMES: Of course there is! We just bought a theater!

Suddenly, a large piece of scenery falls down on the stage, nearly hitting Amy. She screams, as do most of the chorus girls (except for Leela, of course), and they all start milling around in fear, muttering about ghosts.

HERMES: What in Babylon?

AMY: (upset) That's it! I can't do this anymore, I just can't!

ZOIDBERG: (seriously) Why are you so mad? Did you want it to hit you?

AMY: What? No! Where are my parents?

HERMES: They just left. We're in charge.

AMY: Well, go get them and tell them I'm quitting dramatically until someone talks me out of it!

HERMES: Now, now, don't do anything drastic. Accidents do happen sometimes, you know. And now that I'm in charge, I'll fill out forms every time they do happen, and we'll know _exactly_ how often they happen! (looks happy)

AMY: I don't believe you! It's like you don't even care about your own diva! I'm storming out!

She does so. The actors all groan, roll their eyes, etc.

ACTOR: Well, now what are we going to do?

ZOIDBERG: Wait, I'm getting an idea! Is there a meek but talented chorus girl who could sing the part maybe?

The actors groan even more, and they all move aside to show Leela standing there. Hermes and Zoidberg recoil a little.

LEELA: I'm not that good, really.

HERMES: Okay, we'll find someone else then.

LEELA: Wait, I never said I wouldn't do it.

She walks to the center of the stage, spreads her arms dramatically, and starts singing the song—really, really well. Hermes and Zoidberg get happy and start clapping and cheering her on. There is an impressive dissolve to a performance night, with Leela singing her part in full costume. She finishes the song and curtsies deeply to a standing ovation and thrown flowers, thrilled with the attention she's getting.

After the performance, Leela's dressing room

As Leela runs down the hall to her dressing room, she nearly runs into Fry, pushing a broom.

LEELA: Fry? You're the janitor?

FRY: (snorts) I wish. I'm the assistant janitor. (jerks his thumb over his shoulder at Scruffy, who is watching them)

SCRUFFY: (in his usual monotone) Get back to work. No one notices the sweeper.

FRY: I gotta go. Oh, but by the way…

LEELA: What?

FRY: Um, you got an awful lot of flowers delivered to your room just now. I, uh, wanted to warn you.

LEELA: Thanks, I guess.

She enters her room, changes out of her costume, and sits down at the dressing table. She starts humming happily and brushing her hair. There are loads of flowers around her room, one of them a single wildflower with the note 'I love you, Leela. –Fry', and another is a bunch of red roses with a note, 'For the beautiful Leela -O.G.' Anyway, there is suddenly a knock coming from the big, built-in full-length mirror.

LEELA: (looks around) Hello? Is someone at the door?

VOICE: Leela. Over here!

Leela gasps and faces the mirror.

LEELA: Is that mirror talking to me? Maybe I shouldn't have eaten that candy Zoidberg gave me.

VOICE: No, I'm not the mirror, I'm on the other side. There's a secret passageway.

LEELA: Wow! Can I see it?

VOICE: Hmm… I don't know… (quickly) Okay! (seriously) But you have to promise you won't send anyone else down here.

LEELA: (quietly) Darn.

VOICE: (dramatically) Come away with me, Leela. I will teach you to be the greatest singer the universe has ever seen…

LEELA: I'm already one of the best. (catches herself) Uh, at least, that's what everyone says.

VOICE: Yeah, but they still want to put Amy in the lead instead of you, isn't that right?

LEELA: Well, her parents are very rich.

VOICE: When I'm through with you, it won't matter how rich Amy is, they won't even consider her over you.

LEELA: (excitedly) Yes!

The mirror slides into the wall, revealing a vague shadowy figure and a lot of fog. The figure holds out his hand. Leela takes it, and steps into the passage.

LEELA: What's with all the fog?

VOICE: What, you think I'm just going to show myself to you and show you exactly how to get to my secret lair? Be glad I didn't slip you sleeping pills or something.

LEELA: Okay, okay.

The figure leads her through a long twisting passageway that goes down and down further… until they get to a small dock with a boat, on a dark lake.

LEELA: A lake underground? Are we in the basement?

VOICE: No! Just get in the boat, okay?

Leela shrugs.

LEELA: What, get in a tiny boat with a mysterious yet charming stranger in the middle of the night? Why not?

She hops in the boat, and the figure follows her. He rows them across the lake to another little dock. He gets out first, offers her his hand, and helps her out.

LEELA: You're so sweet. Who are you?

VOICE: Your secret admirer.

LEELA: No, really.

VOICE: (gives her an intense look) Does it matter?

LEELA: (looks down) I guess not… (looks up again excitedly) Are you my muse?

VOICE: Sure… why not.

Leela suddenly collapses and goes unconscious. The figure seems a bit relieved, and carries her over to a sparse but comfy-looking bed, laying her down on it.

The next morning

Leela wakes up—no, she's alone, and wearing clothes, you pervs. She sits up and looks around in confusion. The room she's in looks like an old storage room, with the bed in a corner and instruments and props everywhere else. The figure, who can now be seen to be wearing a black opera suit, complete with cape and hat, and a white mask that nearly covers his whole face, is experimenting with some sort of pipe organ, a holophoner, and a stack of crumpled music sheets. Leela narrows her eye at him. He hasn't seen she's awake yet. Quietly, she slips out of bed and sneaks up behind him. He looks up just as she grabs him and flips him over her head onto his back.

LEELA: Now, let's see who you really are!

She reaches for his mask, but he throws her off violently.

VOICE: You ungrateful—person! How dare you try to take my mask! Do I poke at your eye when I think you're not looking? No!

He is standing over her now, looking demonically pissed. Leela, despite feeling like herself again, cowers slightly.

LEELA: Sorry! I just—

VOICE: What? You just what? Thought you'd violate my personal space? Decided to ruin my cool aura of mystery?

LEELA: (getting bolder again) Hey, you kidnapped me! I think you deserve whatever I do to you!

VOICE: No, you came willingly, if you recall.

LEELA: I wasn't myself! I was under the influence of candy or something.

VOICE: It was the fog.

LEELA: I knew it!

VOICE: But it didn't drug you! All it did was make you feel like you were in a dream. (sulky) It was supposed to make the whole experience more magical.

LEELA: (skeptical) Well… that is kind of sweet, assuming it's true. So I guess I won't hurt you. But I'm leaving! Right now!

She starts to march out, but pauses as she realizes she doesn't know the way.

VOICE: No, wait! Please. Let me teach you. It's what you came here for, right? You're playing the part of Xillya in the new show.

LEELA: No, I'm not. Amy is.

VOICE: No, she's not. Trust me. Anyway, it'll take a long time to get you adequately prepared. (realizes something) Damn and blast. We don't have the time. Come on, I'll take you back before those morons realize you're gone.

He takes her hand and pulls her away.

Upstairs and backstage

Professor Farnsworth, the special effects manager, is regaling a crowd of chorus girls with tales of the opera ghost.

PROFESSOR: He's horrible I tell you! His face is bone white, with only black holes for eyes, and if he catches you he'll burn you alive from the inside with his evil glare!

The girls shriek.

PROFESSOR: Yes, and he… uh, oh, uh, what were you saying? (looks at the chorus girls expectantly)

Hermes comes up behind him.

HERMES: Now, stop that! It's bad enough around here without you feeding them those stories, getting them all worked up over nothing. Get back to work, all of you!

The group scatters, and Hermes goes into his office.

A bit later, in Hermes' office

HERMES: This is a disaster!

ZOIDBERG: It's horrible! Our lead actress is missing!

HERMES: Well, that, and did you look at these records? They're a rotten mess! It'll take me days to sort it all out, and that's if I don't sleep!

ZOIDBERG: Yes, and have you seen these headlines? (holds up a paper that reads: NEW LEAD ACTRESS MISSING; NEW OWNERS SUSPECTED OF FOUL PLAY) Can you believe it? Such publicity! (excitedly) We're on page ten!

HERMES: Hmm, that's odd. And to think we just sold out every last seat. You'd think people would be staying away if they heard about this. Oh, well. (picks up some more papers, and an envelope falls out) What's this? (picks it up and opens it) Sweet Gollum of Balamb! It's a message written out on paper, instead of in convenient video form. Why, this hasn't been done for centuries!

ZOIDBERG: So read it already.

HERMES: Let's see… (reads) Dear new owners Hermes and Zoidberg, you've done alright so far with my theater, but some changes will have to be made. First of all, the dancers are horrible. Either make them better or sack them. Secondly, the part of Xillya must be sung by Leela. I suggest you give Amy a more silent and suitable role. Leela, I feel, is just what this theater needs. In addition, do not forget to leave Box Seven empty on opening nights, and deliver my salary whenever you're ready. Sincerely, O.G. PS: Do what I say or else! (stops reading) Salary? Who is this OG?

ZOIDBERG: The opera ghost maybe?

HERMES: Be quiet! I'm trying to think! (calmly) Obviously, this is some sort of a joke. No ghost could write a letter, much less get paid. Let's ignore it.

ZOIDBERG: Excellent plan!

The door slams open, and Amy storms in.

AMY: (PO'd) All right, who's the giant blork?

ZOIDBERG: Whaat?

AMY: (whips out a paper and waves it around) This note! Who sent it?

They both stare at her.

HERMES: Not us. We've been too busy.

ZOIDBERG: Yes, and we have a note of our own, see?

AMY: Um, okay, but you look at my note first and tell me you didn't write it!

HERMES: Okay. (takes it and reads) Dear Amy, You won't be playing lead roles here anymore. Don't try to fight it. Your five minutes of fame are over. Also, you're a bad, bad singer. Leela's much better. If you don't step down, expect disasters and curses on your head. Signed, O.G. (stops reading) We didn't write it.

There is a beep from a device in the desk.

HERMES: Excuse me. (hits a button on the thing) Yes?

INTERCOM VOICE: Mr. Conrad, Leela has returned.

HERMES: She has?!? Where is she?

INTERCOM VOICE: At home, sir.

The machine clicks off.

AMY: You know, if you wanted me to quit you could have just said so! Then I'd call my parents and have them sue you blind.

HERMES: Your parents?! But they're the wealthiest people in the universe! And they have friends who patronize our theater!

AMY: It's too late! Get out of my way, I'm going to call them.

ZOIDBERG: No, stop, my friend! We need you here! Everybody loves you!

AMY: (sullen) Looked to me like Leela was filling in for me just fine.

HERMES: (in a sticky sweet voice) Oh, no! She… is nothing compared to you. You're the star.

ZOIDBERG: Yes, listen to him! He's very right!

AMY: (warming up) Really? You're not just saying that?

ZOIDBERG: Of course not!

HERMES: You'll be starring, as usual. And you'll do a wonderful job.

AMY: Okay… it is my duty, after all.

Much later, at the opening night of Xyxifill Orrnontum (Translation from space Italian: Star-Crossed Asteroid War)

HERMES: I'm sorry sir, but we're sold out.

SNOTTY RICH MAN: Yes, but I understand Box Seven is empty?

HERMES: It is, but…

SNOTTY RICH MAN: Then sell me a ticket and let's go. (slaps down a handful of bills and stalks away.)

The curtain goes up. Amy is playing the lead somewhat badly as usual, and Leela is in the background as a chorus girl, looking wistful. It goes on for a while, then suddenly…

VOICE: (in a booming, from-everywhere sort of way) Why is Box Seven occupied??

There are a few banging noises from Box Seven, and the snotty rich man is tossed out over the side of the box. No one really cares too much, after a moment of staring, except for Leela.

LEELA: It's him!

AMY: (hissing) Shut up! You don't get any lines.

The play continues… but…

VOICE: We'll just see how many lines you'll have.

Amy looks around nervously, and keeps going. Suddenly, her voice breaks, and she can't continue without choking. She tries, but quickly breaks down hysterically. Hurriedly, Hermes climbs up on the stage.

HERMES: Pardon me, folks, but we seem to be having some difficulties. If you'll bear with us for a moment, we will start the play again… with Leela playing Xillya. Now, if you'll excuse us for a moment…

He ushers a sobbing Amy offstage, and the curtain drops. Along with it drops a noose containing the Professor, very much dead. Everyone screams, and the actors start babbling about the ghost. Leela is horrified, and runs down a few back halls.

LEELA: (to herself) Okay, calm down. It's got nothing to do with you. Everything's going to be fine… (bursts into tears) Oh god!

Just then, Fry comes up to her, having been sweeping the hall.

FRY: Leela? Are you okay?

LEELA: (upset) No! The Professor was just killed!

Fry gasps.

LEELA; (cont'd) And everyone says it was the ghost!

FRY: The ghost? He wouldn't do that… I mean, he couldn't. He's just like a good luck charm, right?

LEELA: (slightly hysterical) No, he's real. I met him, and I think he's in love with me! That's why I feel like it's my fault.

FRY: He—what? Um, listen, Leela, it's okay. The ghost isn't real. You were probably dreaming or something. And I bet the Professor's death was just an accident.

LEELA: (sniffing) Well, maybe, but… all these horrible things happened! Don't you think that—

They are interrupted.

SCRUFFY: (from around the corner, in his usual monotone) Scruffy hears talking, but he don't hear sweeping.

FRY: (puts a comforting hand on Leela's shoulder) I've gotta go, but look, Leela, whatever happens here, it's not your fault. I know you'd never do anything like that. And, you know, if anything else happens and you get scared, you just come find me, okay? I'll protect you.

Leela smiles and gives Fry a hug.

LEELA: Thanks, Fry. You're a true friend.

She breaks away from him and goes back towards the backstage area. Fry walks away down the hall and gets started sweeping again. Then…

VOICE: Friend? You're more than friends, even I can tell. (sadly) Leela, I gave you everything I could… and this is how you repay me? What a fool I was… of course you'd find someone else… (angry) You'll regret this. You both will regret your actions for the rest of your life!

Back on stage and later, the performance is ending, with Leela standing out in Amy's costume. As the actors take their bows, a shadow of the figure sweeps over the stage, and maniacal laughter is heard.

VOICE: Go!

The huge, elaborate, extremely heavy chandelier above the stage snaps, and falls to the ground, shattering.

Later, in Hermes' office

Everyone has gathered there, even Fry and Scruffy. Oh, and Bender, who's a new actor there on loan from… some other place.

HERMES: Alright people, you're probably all wondering why I called you here.

Everyone disagrees.

BENDER: No.

LEELA: Not really.

SCRUFFY: Not at all.

AMY: Nope!

FRY: Sort of…

ZOIDBERG: It's because of the ghost is why!

HERMES: (hits Zoidberg over the head) Be quiet and let me talk!

Zoidberg cowers.

HERMES: (calmly) Now, then. It has come to my attention that this (air quotes) 'ghost' is real, and has been making fatal accidents happen.

AMY: Spluh!

BENDER: What page are _you_ on?

HERME: (ignoring them) Obviously, this has got to stop, even if it does mean every show is sold out. Any thoughts?

Everyone mutters in the 'uhhh…' category.

LEELA: I've got one!

HERMES: (not really paying attention to her) Now, Leela, calm down. We're all perfectly safe here, where we can plainly see the ghost isn't around. (to everyone) But if we can talk her into playing the lead part again, maybe we can use that in some sort of plan!

AMY: Hey! I thought I was playing the lead part!

HERMES: Oh, grow up, Amy. It's for a good cause.

LEELA: Excuse me…

BENDER: This is an outrage! I thought _my _part was the lead part!

HERMES: You're playing the male lead.

BENDER: Yeah, but I'm not even in all the scenes! Look at how many more lines she gets! (holds open a script)

HERMES: Bender, mon, I really don't care. This is serious. Now, if we can keep Leela from fainting when the ghost shows up…

LEELA: Hey!

She finally gets everyone's attention.

BENDER: Oh, great, another dramatic monologue from the fainting heroine.

LEELA: I think you've all forgotten who you're dealing with. It's me, Leela. I'm not some ditz who can't do anything for herself.

She looks pointedly at Amy when she says this. Amy smiles cutely and waves back.

LEELA: In fact, I've probably saved all your lives a dozen times more than any one of you has saved mine.

BENDER: Could've fooled us.

FRY: Yeah. I mean, no offense, but you've been acting like one of those fifties heroines who falls down and twists her ankle and screams a lot and has to be carried out by the man.

LEELA: I have not! …have I?

Everyone nods.

LEELA: …well. It wasn't on purpose or anything. Being a star was getting to me. You know, acting those kinds of roles in the operas brought it out in me. Also, I was under the influence of mind-numbing fog. Anyway, that's over now. I'm back. And… I have a plan. (strikes dramatic pose)

Opening night

The curtain has yet to go up, and Leela is fine-tuning her plan from backstage.

LEELA: Now, remember, we want him here, but we don't want him mad. So everything has to go perfect, right?

AMY: I still don't see why I have to have this tiny chorus girl part.

LEELA: It's like I just said: make him happy. Don't screw up.

HERMES: Sweet moogle of Google! It's two minutes to showtime! Everyone, get in your places!

All the actors rush around to get ready. Hermes runs out to his manager's box. Bender saunters up to Leela.

BENDER: So, I don't remember, what's my motivation for this scene?

LEELA: Bender! Get in your place, quick!

BENDER: Fine! Jeez.

Bender strolls casually to his place, barely off-stage, just as the curtain goes up. Unseen by anyone else, a figure comes up behind him and zaps him with something, then takes his costume as the robot passes out. Meanwhile, the space opera has started.

LEELA: (acting, of course, and really well) Vyx, Xellina, qartar elmis tooro lyrx Xyfarrenne ort shoomu! (Translation: I, Xellina, have come to this masquerade ball disguised as my lady Duchess Xyfarrenne!) Xuofui sougo josfni cvoeen aoiduf ovu isnf, jorr fkkons idnn eiwut les! (Translation: For none here will know me behind my mask, and I wish only for a night of entertaining party!)

Then Bender enters, no, wait! It's not Bender at all! It's not even a robot! It's a man dressed in Bender's costume, and why, look at that mask! It's the ghost, cleverly choosing to appear in a scene where everyone is masked! Why, no one saw that coming! Anyway, the figure enters. It's instantly obvious to everyone that he's not Bender, but they all play along.

VOICE: Zoor tiufu owu iowmeoo fojudb iniod isfnf oeuw suv irn Lorthan, iwfhu fgvfi wouir, ower fjvgf ciowen fkklons idnn eiwut les! (translation: None here shall know that I am truly the space pirate prince Lorthan, for I seek here only a night of entertaining party!

It continues in this fashion for quite some time. As far as the scene goes, the ghost as Lorthan asks Leela as Xellina to dance, thinking that she is Duchess Xyfarrenne, hoping to shame her and scam her prize jewels off of her or something… but they fall in love! Aww, how cute! Then they dance together for a long time, singing a love song about how they can't go back now that they've passed the point of No Going Back, and the rest of the actors filter off stage. Now, the song comes to an end…

VOICE: (translated from Space Italian) We have used a spaceship to get here, now watch it be destroyed calmly, for there is no going back from the point of no going back!

He pauses, then starts in on a different song that's not even in Space Italian.

VOICE: (singing) Say you'll share with me, one love, one lifetime… Lead me, save me from my solitude…

Leela seems to be totally entranced by him, and steps slowly closer.

VOICE: (still singing) Say you want me with you, here, beside you… Anywhere you go, let me go too… Leela, that's all I ask of—

He doesn't get a chance to finish, because at this point Leela rips off his mask, not under his spell at all. Everyone gasps. Leela stares at the unmasked ghost for a minute in shock, then looks down at the mask.

LEELA: (horrified) No… it can't be… (looks up again) Fry, you're the ghost?!

FRY: (defensively) No I'm not!

LEELA: (angrily) Yes, you are! We all just saw you get unmasked!

FRY: I'm not the ghost! Hey, why am I on stage?

Leela gapes at him.

LEELA: Fry, look at your clothes. Look at this! (holds out the mask)

Fry stares at the mask, then examines his clothes.

FRY: (gasps) I am the ghost! But—but—but--! I don't remember--!

LEELA: Well, that's a sorry excuse. (upset) Why'd you do it, Fry? I mean, seriously! What was the point?

FRY: (nearly hysterical) I don't know! I can't remember anything about being the ghost! And I'd never kill anyone--! At least, I don't think so.

SCRUFFY: (standing in the aisle, monotone) Scruffy had his suspicions all along.

AMY: (comes out from backstage)I can't believe this! You were supposed to be our friend!

HERMES: Well, friend or not, he's still the insane murderer we set out to catch. Get him!

The actors and audience suddenly start looking like an angry mob. Fry backs away looking terrified. Then, Zoidberg races in front of him.

ZOIDBERG: Stop, friends! Surely there's a better way to solve this—

HERMES: Out of the way, brine shrimp!

He knocks Zoidberg over. Fry takes the opportunity to run for his life.

LEELA: (suddenly sympathetic) Fry, wait!

She runs after him. The mob finishes with Zoidberg and starts chasing them, albeit far behind.

The ghost's lair

The mob comes running down into it, from a different entrance than the lake. Finding it to be empty, they deflate slightly and leave. When they are gone, Fry appears, taking a deep breath, as he had been using the holophoner to make himself look like a boulder. He takes some more deep breaths, and starts hyperventilating.

FRY: (freaking out) This can't be happening!

LEELA: (from the lake) Fry?

FRY: Leela??

Leela finishes crossing in the boat and hops out.

LEELA: Oh, Fry, thank god I found you.

Fry backs away from her and ends up cornering himself against the wall.

FRY: Please don't hurt me! I don't know what's going on!

LEELA: I'm not going to hurt you… except maybe in self-defense. But, look, I… I think I believe you.

FRY: (relieved but cautious) You do?

LEELA: Yes. (pulls the mask out from her pocket) The Fry I know wouldn't hurt anyone. I think maybe when you put on the mask, you became a different person.

FRY: Say what?

LEELA: (patiently) Sometimes, some people feel like they want to be someone else. So they can be better than they are, or so they can do things they wouldn't normally do. Maybe you found out that when you wore the mask, you weren't yourself, because no one knew who you were. So you acted like someone else.

FRY: You mean… I've got like a split personality?

LEELA: I think so, yes.

FRY: Cool! (catches himself) I mean, oh no! Cause my other self is like some crazy killing machine. How do I get rid of it?

LEELA: Well, that's easy. (tosses him the mask) Just destroy this.

Fry stares at the mask reverently.

FRY: It looks so boring… I can't believe this thing makes me crazy… Hey, Leela… did you…? Um, you thought the ghost was nice, right? He was smart and everything? Before he started killing people?

LEELA: (not realizing) Yeah, he was pretty charming…

FRY: (slowly lifting the mask to his face) So, like, if I was really like that, you'd like me?

LEELA: Maybe, it all depends… (suddenly notices) Fry, no! (kicks the mask out of his hands just before he puts it on)

FRY: Hey! I thought you weren't going to hurt me!

LEELA: Exactly, I was helping you! What were you thinking? That ghost is a murderer!

FRY: Right, right. I've gotta forget about how he was all smart and cool and stuff. (stares longingly at the mask)

LEELA: Okay, Fry, listen. You remember when the chandelier fell?

FRY: No. Was I the ghost then?

LEELA: Oh, probably. You remember that it fell, anyway?

FRY: Yeah…

LEELA: You know why?

FRY: (sarcastic) Gee, I don't know, maybe the ghost made it fall?

LEELA: No, I mean… Fry, he was jealous of us.

FRY: Huh?

LEELA: After the Professor was killed, I ran into you, and I was scared, remember? We had that nice little talk?

FRY: Yeah, but…

LEELA: After I left, I heard him. He… (clears her throat) He thought we were more than friends. He got really upset.

FRY: Are you serious? I got jealous of me?

LEELA: Well, you are kinda insane.

FRY: Yeah, I guess.

LEELA: The point is, just because the ghost seemed like he was better than you doesn't mean he was. He still thought you did some things better, and you did.

FRY: I did?

LEELA: Yes! You were nice to me without doing things like drugging me and kidnapping me. And you know what was the best thing you can do that he can't?

FRY: What?

LEELA: You don't kill people.

Fry is taken aback, and looks thoughtful. He stares at the mask again.

FRY: You're right.

He walks up to the mask, braces himself, and stomps on it hard. It breaks into a lot of pieces. He looks at them regretfully, but then looks back up at Leela and smiles.

FRY: Looks like I'm back to normal.

HERMES: There they are!

Fry and Leela gasp, and Fry clings to Leela for protection. The angry mob is back, but they're keeping their distance.

SCRUFFY: (monotone) Hand over the lady. Scruffy don't want to have to hurt you.

LEELA: No, wait! You've got it all wrong! We fixed everything!

AMY: Yeah, right! You'll say anything, he's holding you hostage!

FRY: I am not! Leela, what do we do?

LEELA: I don't know! Wait…

She pulls away from Fry and steps forward.

LEELA: I'm not a prisoner. If I come with you, and if you don't touch him, I'll explain everything.

The mob looks at each other. Suddenly, Fry runs a few feet away and starts laughing insanely.

FRY: Ha, ha! Fools! You can never catch the ghost!

He throws a puff of smoke on the ground, and when it's cleared, he's gone.

LEELA: Fry??

She hunches over and examines the floor where he vanished. She finds the thin lines of a trap door there, but chooses not to say anything.

LEELA: …he's gone.

AMY: Well, now I feel stupid.

HERMES: Just when it seemed we'd caught him, he went crazy and vanished. It really makes you think.

LEELA: No it doesn't.

--------Well, now, wasn't that a tragic love story! And Fry got to be evil for once. All in all, a tale well told. Stay tuned for more… Tales of Interest!--------

PROFESSOR: Interesting. Apparently, the machine combined the two questions into one super-story.

FRY: No, it didn't! Leela didn't love me! And how come her idea of cool is an insane killing… guy?

LEELA: It is not! That must be your idea of cool. You even said so!

PROFESSOR: Let's just say it malfunctioned slightly and leave it at that, shall we? Alright.


End file.
